Confessions
by Bekki
Summary: She had the smarts to realize they weren't zatarcs. She had the tact to convince Jack why. But could she confess it in front of her colleagues and ultimately, herself?


Confessions

Summary: She had the smarts to realize they weren't zatarcs. She had the tact to convince Jack why. But could she confess it in front of her colleagues and ultimately, herself?

A/N: Written for the Sam/Jack ship family thread on Gateworld in honour of Shipsgiving

All feedback warmly welcome!

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"I woke up on the floor. The armband had fallen off."

She spoke slowly, measuring every word, but inside, Sam's heart was racing. She could barely think straight. She was tired; so tired, and it was all she could do to keep talking let alone trying to censor herself all the while.

"What happened then?" Anise's calm voice asked.

"I noticed Colonel O'Neill on the other side. He was unconscious." She looked to the Tok'ra scientist. Anise made no move to interject, so she continued. "I woke him up and told him to leave."

"Did he listen to you?"

"No," said Sam, trying to keep her eyes on Anise. The more she looked away, the more her eyes wandered to Jack. She couldn't look at him, couldn't face him now. "He started hitting the shield," she resumed, her voice a little cracked. "It was no use. He couldn't get back through."

"He knew that?" Anise asked.

"Yes."

"But he kept trying," Anise prompted.

"Yes. He wouldn't leave me," Sam said.

"How did that make you feel?" Anise asked, her eyes on her chart. Sam took a deep breath. How was she supposed to answer the question in full truth? If she said too much, both she and Colonel O'Neill were likely to never set foot in the SGC again. If she said too little, she might never set foot anywhere again.

"I was…angry," she said at last. "And scared. I was…overwhelmed. The way he looked at me, I knew that…" she stopped herself. "I wanted him to leave. He knew that," she corrected.

"But he didn't," Anise said, rhetorically.

"No, he didn't," Sam answered, and in a brief moment of miscalculation she met eyes with her C.O. It was the smallest moment, barely even recognizable to the people around her. With an inner curse, she looked away again. Who knew the truth could be this hard?

"Why did you want him to leave?" Anise asked.

"Because he didn't need to be there," Sam answered. "He could have saved himself. He could have gone with the others and…"

"And left you to die," Anise finished.

"Yes," said Sam, lamely.

"And you wanted him to do that?"

"Yes…no. I was…," she took a moment to compose herself. "There was so much to feel. I was guilty. I didn't want him to die. I was scared of dying myself. But he was there willing to die right next me. It was…nice," she said. Nice? What was she doing? "No, that's not what I mean," she rectified. "It was…fulfilling," she said.

"How?" asked Anise, although she was reluctant to interject.

"He wasn't going to die for me," she said. "He knew he couldn't help me. He was just going to die _with _me. It made me feel…safe." She finished. She couldn't say anymore. She could barely keep her eyes open, and she was so tired that she thought any more emotional spillage might make her cry. She could reveal her feelings if she had to, but there was no way on this Earth that she was going to cry over her C.O in front of a Tok'ra. She took a deep breath instead.

"Why?' Anise asked.

Sam closed her eyes, trying to find some state of composure. "There's an old Earth saying. Lots actually. 'Dying in a blaze of glory' for one. Dying with your friends. Dying doing something important. Something worthwhile. Dying with your weapon drawn. Taking as many with you as you can," she rattled. Anise didn't look quite convinced.

"There's another saying. "Till death do…" She caught Jack's eyes again and stopped herself. She couldn't go there. She just couldn't. "I didn't want to die alone," she finished.

"I see," Anise said.

"But I couldn't let him die for me," Sam repeated.

"Why?"

There was a brief moment of silence. "Because…" Sam couldn't find the right words. "Because his life is more important to me than mine," she answered.

"Why?"

"Because without him…it doesn't mean anything."

"What doesn't mean anything?" Anise asked.

"Nothing," Sam said. She felt like she was spitting the words out. "Without him…Jack…nothing means anything."

She looked at him and this time allowed herself to watch his eyes looking back.

"When he wouldn't leave, I felt like I was losing a limb. But I…I felt loved."

Anise nodded.

"I never knew there was anything worse than dying. But there is."

There was a silence. A long silence. She knew she had said enough.

fin


End file.
